so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
