just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
