i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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