Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
