I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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