I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
