I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
