Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
