she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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