It's like God shit irony all over that family
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
