My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
