I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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