Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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