We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
we're making bets on your personal life
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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