you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
