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i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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