the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
