4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
