She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
