Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
