he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
