dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
