I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
