Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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