I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Less talking, more tequila
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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