saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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