Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
