my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
