I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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