I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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