I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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