do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
