oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
