I accidentally had phone sex last night
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
