I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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