I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
