Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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