do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize