the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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