I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
