i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
