I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
