I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
