I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
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