I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my shit smells like andre
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
