He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
