i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
