i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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