If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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