I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Another day, another engagement, another cat
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
