Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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