He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
