You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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