she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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