i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
