There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
