the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
