Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
