Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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