why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
