on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
