It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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