I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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